THE OBSCURITY OF EXISTENCE

Month: July, 2015

Selfish

They were standing by the ocean side and the waves came hollering down to their feet. It was a wonderful evening and the sun was finding its way back home. They were taken back to the first day they met. It was the same beach, same day and the same moment 10 years ago. Jack thought about the feeling he had at that moment, a feeling of content and satisfaction. He looked at Chris, he knew what she was thinking too. Life had changed since then for both of them. They were married for 9 years now and had a small 5 year old daughter, Agatha.

When people say I am selfish Jack, I would like to believe that, I am a selfish being. You will say- it is very practical, everybody needs to be selfish and, there is nothing wrong in putting your needs before someone else’s. But, when I tell you, I am selfish that is because, I want you to love me no matter what happens to you. I want you to love me no matter what I end up doing. I may come to you, crying with a mess I created and you land up in trouble because of me, I want you to love me. That is what love is to me; selfish. I expect you to do the same, what I do for you. That is exactly not being selfish. But, then you don’t know that I do all of that without you having to explain your expectations, like I did. So, I am selfish because I make it pretty clear about my needs and expectations. Love is to me, nothing but being selfish. All of this time, these years, I kept waiting and waiting for that magic to happen. I always thought you were the one and the spark was about to happen. Even after being married for these many years, I knew something was missing. I knew we were never on the same page. Either I rushed on real fast or you never came onboard. I can not take it anymore. It’s time. We are done.

He gushed back to reality and looked at the farthest end of the ocean. It was done. They were signing the divorce paper tomorrow. The counselor tried addressing the problem, but they had come too far now and he did not want to change things. He wanted to explain that he loved her no matter how much she thought he did not. He wanted to accept that yes, maybe he is not that involved as much as she was. But, he has been with her all the goddamn time because what he feels for her was not something that he felt normally. He felt intensely, whatever that was. He still does not know if that is love. What else could be love? Staying together, sharing a house, a baby, meals, problems, happiness, life and what else could he do? He thought if he could ask what else could he possibly do to convince her that he too is involved. It was too late. He had taken way too long to realise that he missed the correct timing and it was too late to go back. He thought about Agatha, that sweet little dove. He will miss them, some good times, he thought. He will eventually get used to staying alone, having all the time to himself, sharing meals with no one, he was going to have the bed all to himself. It was done.

They turned towards each other and smiled. Somethings are just not meant to last forever. The silence persisted and no one managed to speak a single word the entire time.

She kept hoping that at least at this last moment, once and for all, he would fight for her, their love, their daughter, their home. Silence. He did not utter a word. He kept thinking how she would patch up after any fight and then things would be right, back to normal. Well, this was the new normal.

Trigger

“I want to pull the trigger,

Lit a fire,

Turn this world to ashes”, said the guy bloodied in ink.

The mistress in pink wondered,

Has he ever read his own poetry?

Those words are weapons.

They ignite a fire, only to burn everything down to ash

 

Of Untold Questions and Answers

I wanted to write about us,

What we really are!

For, what was your favorite song?

Or, did you prefer coffee over tea?

But, I could never manage to write about

Were you my favorite or, otherwise?

Did you fall in love with me first or, otherwise?

Never scribbled,

The things that mattered.

Something she gave away

This world is your oyster, everybody exclaimed

No matter what the chances, always give way

In this tiff, of solving an algorithm or reading a poem

She forgot to enjoy the little dew drops on her windowpane

Survival

Let us fly away, she said

With a peck of hope.

Only if we could just survive on love!

He dwindled; alone.

He

He was like a river; silent river

Building storms beneath

Forgiveness and other Demons

I always thought of forgiveness to be the easiest thing one would ever have to do. You just have to let things go, not hold any hard feelings inside you and there you are: Forgiveness granted. I had the perception that the person who committed any mistake must be having pretty hard time, dealing with all the situations and coping up with the mistakes, but then you realize the hardest job is the one that deals with the mistake.

Forgiveness comes at a price and that is dealing with your ego.

Forgiveness is not about letting go of some matter or may be, a deed; it is a compromise you strike with your own self. It is not just about making peace with someone but being at peace with the part of you that was bruised; it is fighting with yourself for the sake of someone who caused this in the first place.

I have seen people hold on to things and I myself have been a victim of this a lot of times. This holding-on-to-things business drags on for time immemorial. It is not about hating that person, but you get stuck with the act of mistake that happened. It keeps stinging you, eating your soul; it gets glued to your brain; forever.This might happen because it did not go as you planned it or it wasn’t expected of that person to do this to you.

It hurts your ego and we humans are really good at feeding our ego. You don’t realize that, but you constantly keep the pathway of fodder ready for the ego; unconsciously, everything we do is satisfying our ego, one way or the other.

Years down the line, you wouldn’t even remember about the mistake committed, but you would have a very vivid memory of you being hurt.

Why is it so hard to accept that mistakes happen and at the end they are humans just like you, with the same kind of brain and thought process?

You might completely understand what it must have felt like to be in those shoes, but when it comes to you all of a sudden, you just seem to forget everything.

You can’t do this to me” keeps traversing the brain.

What is that we keep so much of high regard of ourselves that we can’t even try and understand that the person who committed the mistake might not have done it deliberately or maybe it was just destined to happen!

Each and every one of them who has been in that box might have realized that holding on to it makes it no easier and yields no positive outcome out of anything. Yet, we do. We always do.

Not being able to forgive is like torturing yourself for the thing you haven’t even committed.

At the end, I think forgiveness is about helping yourself to move on.

Every time I feel like smashing somebody’s head, I say this to myself,
Yes, it is okay. You were wrong about it, so what? It is okay to be wrong; anybody could be. Don’t be hard on yourself, be at peace and look forward to other things. The mistake the fellow “X” committed wasn’t a deliberate one and even if it was, X does not deserve so much of your time, attention and importance.”

See how simple it is to satisfy your ego. Trick yourself and be at peace with it. Though, the simplest of things are always the hardest.

You might feel bad and your ego will be bruised, but you know when and how to soothe it up with a good trick.

Everybody is entangled in a loop. A loop, that goes on and on and it is programmed at making oneself happy; we, humans lay entangled in the never ending loop. We mask things and situations; we make people happy, be kind to them because we want us to feel happy; we want us to believe that we are good people. We keep trying to keep ourselves happy.

I came across a poem once that goes as follows

I forgive you
Not for you
But for me
For I fear
That If I don’t
Forgive
I will never forget
And If I don’t forget
I will never be able
To let go of
What was once us
And release myself
Of the pain
Which I have come to know
As loving you

                                                                           -Antonio M Arce

Just put this to every situation, things might get a tad bit easier.

Also, a friend of mine once told me “You are alone in this, nobody but only you can get yourself out of this.”