The Dubious Mind
The dubious mind is a storehouse of wrecked relationships. Have you ever pondered on how overthinking does a lot of damage everywhere! We don’t realize when our mind, our thoughts start becoming poison rather than a helping hand. Personal privileges have become so freaking important that we have really forgotten the simplicity it takes to be with each other. We have nothing to add, but complexities. We always use our minds to complicate the situation rather than equate it.
Everybody has been here, in these shoes.
How did that awkwardness creep in? We were friends, lovers and family. What do we fight for? Why are we so keen on satisfying our ego?
In the end, I knew that we would lean on each other for support. It kept happening and I did nothing to stop it.
First, the Silences were a tad awkward, though it used to turn out to be peaceful, endearing all the happiness it could hide beneath its shade with those unspoken words. I thought it was a phase, it would pass. The words would finally flow out or may be just we would start understanding each others silences. I waited, waited till I could not fathom them. They went on to be wars going deep down somewhere, it turned out to be peaceful, but with some scars and bruises. That feeling of peace was known with a certain kind of fear and anonymity.
I couldn’t decipher your eyes. They always were so innocent and your face docile; but, were they?
Your words were bitter but they did hint towards my well-being, didn’t they?
It was like an endless loop, in which we were stuck!
Could I? Should I just have trusted you?
There was this fear always at the back of my mind, What if you turned out to be totally different from what I had thought of you to be? What if, I miss out the chance of being with you because of the constant doubts in my mind!
This could be for real or just things made up in my mind.
It was so hard.
I don’t know when the friendly feeling vanished and was a constant towering feeling of strangeness came overpowering. I felt less like a companion. It was becoming unfathomable to even grasp the strangeness of your behaviour.
Your awkwardness, erratic traits and clarity did tempt me at times but, then again was it just an illusion; a veil over some unknown identity of yours I didn’t know about.
I don’t know whether I loved you or not! All I know is, I just didn’t feel like I belonged there, because I didn’t know you anymore. In the fight to find ourselves, we lost each other. I lost the track of when you stopped calling me to check if I was okay? I completely forgot about those stolen glances, hurried kisses and shared lunches. I used to see you everyday, but I just couldn’t find you.
I don’t know whether what we did at that time was the correct thing to do. All I want to do now , is confess. I have missed you everyday from the day we last met. The image of your teary eyes keep running back to me and it hurts me. All I wish is, I wouldn’t have ever thought all of that, I would have never let such thoughts occur to me. I never should have doubted what I had with you.
I am so sorry that we wrecked our own relationship.
Never let your mind come into your way of feelings! It is something else to be smart and something else to be just overtly critical of everything. This letter isn’t to show the hardship that they faced, it is about the regret that kept lingering on, that stuck like a baggage. They wrecked something so beautiful because their need to be smart, to overthink and overanalyze every situation just poisoned their minds and hearts.
Just let go of what is holding you, let it flow! This life is too simple to be critical.