THE OBSCURITY OF EXISTENCE

Category: Pieces

Letter to my old self

Hello dear,

I hope that you find this letter in good health and the merrier of times, because you will not like what is about to follow. I apologize for starting the letter in a rude way. It is not all bad, but it is not what you are hoping either. You might want to make your walk longer today, you are not going to get enough a while later and while we are at it, please read a book or two more because I miss smelling those old pages and taking it all in: the beauty of those long lost words.

You shall wonder what has happened after all and you should, your life depends on it. I had a peaceful day after a very long time. I had the time to sip my coffee alone and in peace, I had the chance to eat my lunch alone and I finally got my hand on The Ulysses. If I had just known how much easier it would be to not think about anyone but myself, I would have done that more If I were you.

Don’t be fooled by Beethoven when we says:

Ever thine. 
Ever mine. 
Ever ours. 

And mind that Voltaire is not going to do any good either when you will be swayed by his words: No, nothing has the power to part me from you; our love is based upon virtue, and will last as long as our lives.

Those great men with love and passion led the bravest of lives and from what I feel, misery never left their side. It is a word of caution my friend, think twice before you close your eyes and lean for a kiss, It will eventually lead you to believe in a happily ever after, but sadly none exists. You will get your heart broken over the pettiest of matters and you will let go of what you know as the love of your life. Love will consume you to the deepest of your soul. It will find you in the wilderness of the night and will sing songs to you. It will whisper in your dreams and make you see things which will forever be your fragment of imagination.

You will, my dear, have moonlit walks and dinner by the lake. You will have your share of warmth in the bed and supper in the coziest arms. But you will not be spared of the long nights spent writhing in pain, agonizing over spilled words. You will have to walk barefeet on the summer afternoon sand to known the pleasure of walking by the beach in the night. You will have to feel the burn to know the tingling feeling of sand sliding your skin.

I think I have given too much away. I do not mean to dishearten you. You will have a good life, but I have warn you of the things that lie ahead. You need to make a choice. Would you do it all over again because I know how much it means to you? Or, would you rather walk away because lonely nights have always scared you.

Be you. I do not know if this is the best of the advice, but this is all I got for you. Come reach me soon, I am waiting with a million other tales.

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The Dubious Mind

The dubious mind is a storehouse of wrecked relationships. Have you ever pondered on how overthinking does a lot of damage everywhere! We don’t realize when our mind, our thoughts start becoming poison rather than a helping hand. Personal privileges have become so freaking important that we have really forgotten the simplicity it takes to be with each other. We have nothing to add, but complexities. We always use our minds to complicate the situation rather than equate it.

Everybody has been here, in these shoes.

Dearest beloved,

How did that awkwardness creep in? We were friends, lovers and family. What do we fight for? Why are we so keen on satisfying our ego?

In the end, I knew that we would lean on each other for support. It kept happening and I did nothing to stop it. 

First, the Silences were a tad awkward, though it used to turn out to be peaceful, endearing all the happiness it could hide beneath its shade with those unspoken words. I thought it was a phase, it would pass. The words would finally flow out or may be just we would start understanding each others silences. I waited, waited till I could not fathom them. They went on to be wars going deep down somewhere, it turned out to be peaceful, but with some scars and bruises. That feeling of peace was known with a certain kind of fear and anonymity.

I couldn’t decipher your eyes. They always were so innocent and your face docile; but, were they?

Your words were bitter but they did hint towards my well-being, didn’t they?

It was like an endless loop, in which we were stuck!

Could I? Should I just have trusted you?

There was this fear always at the back of my mind, What if you turned out to be totally different from what I had thought of you to be? What if, I miss out the chance of being with you because of the constant doubts in my mind!

This could be for real or just things made up in my mind. 

Duh.

It was so hard.

I don’t know when the friendly feeling vanished and was a constant towering feeling of strangeness came overpowering. I felt less like a companion. It was becoming unfathomable to even grasp the strangeness of your behaviour. 

Your awkwardness, erratic traits and clarity did tempt me at times but, then again was it just an illusion; a veil over some unknown identity of yours I didn’t know about. 

I don’t know whether I loved you or not! All I know is, I just didn’t feel like I belonged there, because I didn’t know you anymore. In the fight to find ourselves, we lost each other. I lost the track of when you stopped calling me to check if I was okay? I completely forgot about those stolen glances, hurried kisses and shared lunches. I used to see you everyday, but I just couldn’t find you. 

I don’t know whether what we did at that time was the correct thing to do. All I want to do now , is confess. I have missed you everyday from the day we last met. The image of your teary eyes keep running back to me and it hurts me. All I wish is, I wouldn’t have ever thought all of that, I would have never let such thoughts occur to me. I never should have doubted what I had with you. 

I am so sorry that we wrecked our own relationship. 

Love. 

Never let your mind come into your way of feelings! It is something else to be smart and something else to be just overtly critical of everything. This letter isn’t to show the hardship that they faced, it is about the regret that kept lingering on, that stuck like a baggage. They wrecked something so beautiful because their need to be smart, to overthink and overanalyze every situation just poisoned their minds and hearts.

Just let go of what is holding you, let it flow! This life is too simple to be critical.

Selfish

They were standing by the ocean side and the waves came hollering down to their feet. It was a wonderful evening and the sun was finding its way back home. They were taken back to the first day they met. It was the same beach, same day and the same moment 10 years ago. Jack thought about the feeling he had at that moment, a feeling of content and satisfaction. He looked at Chris, he knew what she was thinking too. Life had changed since then for both of them. They were married for 9 years now and had a small 5 year old daughter, Agatha.

When people say I am selfish Jack, I would like to believe that, I am a selfish being. You will say- it is very practical, everybody needs to be selfish and, there is nothing wrong in putting your needs before someone else’s. But, when I tell you, I am selfish that is because, I want you to love me no matter what happens to you. I want you to love me no matter what I end up doing. I may come to you, crying with a mess I created and you land up in trouble because of me, I want you to love me. That is what love is to me; selfish. I expect you to do the same, what I do for you. That is exactly not being selfish. But, then you don’t know that I do all of that without you having to explain your expectations, like I did. So, I am selfish because I make it pretty clear about my needs and expectations. Love is to me, nothing but being selfish. All of this time, these years, I kept waiting and waiting for that magic to happen. I always thought you were the one and the spark was about to happen. Even after being married for these many years, I knew something was missing. I knew we were never on the same page. Either I rushed on real fast or you never came onboard. I can not take it anymore. It’s time. We are done.

He gushed back to reality and looked at the farthest end of the ocean. It was done. They were signing the divorce paper tomorrow. The counselor tried addressing the problem, but they had come too far now and he did not want to change things. He wanted to explain that he loved her no matter how much she thought he did not. He wanted to accept that yes, maybe he is not that involved as much as she was. But, he has been with her all the goddamn time because what he feels for her was not something that he felt normally. He felt intensely, whatever that was. He still does not know if that is love. What else could be love? Staying together, sharing a house, a baby, meals, problems, happiness, life and what else could he do? He thought if he could ask what else could he possibly do to convince her that he too is involved. It was too late. He had taken way too long to realise that he missed the correct timing and it was too late to go back. He thought about Agatha, that sweet little dove. He will miss them, some good times, he thought. He will eventually get used to staying alone, having all the time to himself, sharing meals with no one, he was going to have the bed all to himself. It was done.

They turned towards each other and smiled. Somethings are just not meant to last forever. The silence persisted and no one managed to speak a single word the entire time.

She kept hoping that at least at this last moment, once and for all, he would fight for her, their love, their daughter, their home. Silence. He did not utter a word. He kept thinking how she would patch up after any fight and then things would be right, back to normal. Well, this was the new normal.

Forgiveness and other Demons

I always thought of forgiveness to be the easiest thing one would ever have to do. You just have to let things go, not hold any hard feelings inside you and there you are: Forgiveness granted. I had the perception that the person who committed any mistake must be having pretty hard time, dealing with all the situations and coping up with the mistakes, but then you realize the hardest job is the one that deals with the mistake.

Forgiveness comes at a price and that is dealing with your ego.

Forgiveness is not about letting go of some matter or may be, a deed; it is a compromise you strike with your own self. It is not just about making peace with someone but being at peace with the part of you that was bruised; it is fighting with yourself for the sake of someone who caused this in the first place.

I have seen people hold on to things and I myself have been a victim of this a lot of times. This holding-on-to-things business drags on for time immemorial. It is not about hating that person, but you get stuck with the act of mistake that happened. It keeps stinging you, eating your soul; it gets glued to your brain; forever.This might happen because it did not go as you planned it or it wasn’t expected of that person to do this to you.

It hurts your ego and we humans are really good at feeding our ego. You don’t realize that, but you constantly keep the pathway of fodder ready for the ego; unconsciously, everything we do is satisfying our ego, one way or the other.

Years down the line, you wouldn’t even remember about the mistake committed, but you would have a very vivid memory of you being hurt.

Why is it so hard to accept that mistakes happen and at the end they are humans just like you, with the same kind of brain and thought process?

You might completely understand what it must have felt like to be in those shoes, but when it comes to you all of a sudden, you just seem to forget everything.

You can’t do this to me” keeps traversing the brain.

What is that we keep so much of high regard of ourselves that we can’t even try and understand that the person who committed the mistake might not have done it deliberately or maybe it was just destined to happen!

Each and every one of them who has been in that box might have realized that holding on to it makes it no easier and yields no positive outcome out of anything. Yet, we do. We always do.

Not being able to forgive is like torturing yourself for the thing you haven’t even committed.

At the end, I think forgiveness is about helping yourself to move on.

Every time I feel like smashing somebody’s head, I say this to myself,
Yes, it is okay. You were wrong about it, so what? It is okay to be wrong; anybody could be. Don’t be hard on yourself, be at peace and look forward to other things. The mistake the fellow “X” committed wasn’t a deliberate one and even if it was, X does not deserve so much of your time, attention and importance.”

See how simple it is to satisfy your ego. Trick yourself and be at peace with it. Though, the simplest of things are always the hardest.

You might feel bad and your ego will be bruised, but you know when and how to soothe it up with a good trick.

Everybody is entangled in a loop. A loop, that goes on and on and it is programmed at making oneself happy; we, humans lay entangled in the never ending loop. We mask things and situations; we make people happy, be kind to them because we want us to feel happy; we want us to believe that we are good people. We keep trying to keep ourselves happy.

I came across a poem once that goes as follows

I forgive you
Not for you
But for me
For I fear
That If I don’t
Forgive
I will never forget
And If I don’t forget
I will never be able
To let go of
What was once us
And release myself
Of the pain
Which I have come to know
As loving you

                                                                           -Antonio M Arce

Just put this to every situation, things might get a tad bit easier.

Also, a friend of mine once told me “You are alone in this, nobody but only you can get yourself out of this.”

Yesterday and Today

“I walked over to the hill where used to go and sled. There were a lot of kids. I watched them flying, doing jumps and having races. I thought all those little kids are going to grow up some day. All those little kids will do things that we do. And they will all kiss someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t”

-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Love Letter

Dear Aficionado,

This world is a strange place my friend and to add to it, we are here with strangeness that knows no bounds.

You and I are like those entities that can neither stand nor survive without each other. I need you not because you make me happy or you are the last true cherished person in my life. But, I need you because you make my life miserable and I like the way you do it, unconsciously being responsible for all the sadness that my life faces. Your look doesn’t give me the chills and neither do your likes. You charm with your absurdity, you make me weak in my bones with your abrupt reasons. Your awkwardness seduces me and you continue to make me fall for you in spite of the times I despise you. Your crooked smile is a lethal weapon. It kills me to not know about the mystery that your smile beholds.

Your eyes are like an open book, showcasing every facet of your life, the way you want the people to know and this attracts me to dive into those eyes and find the oyster. You are charmingly unattractive with your rudeness. You are an euphemism in yourself. The way you talk about the things you are well versed with, surprises me- how can anybody be so pretentious.

Sometimes, I wonder the relationship we promise to be in, is all a part of a big game you are playing and it excites me more, to stay with you every moment and decipher every simple thing you do that it might lead me to that mystery, to that secret, to that game you are playing. I like the stage we are in, the grey matter. Nor are we running for the black matter neither the white matter. It feels good to be stranded on this grey island and not worrying about the problems I am going to face because of you.

I want to win over you and make you my own. It is intimidating to see you so vulnerable yet poised. I want to cry, be trashed, and hurt by you and if because that is what makes me happy. I like your uncertainties, they scare me in some weird way nothing and no one else does that.

Loads of Love.